In My Defense
by Blindy
Summary: These are short monologues from each pilot, explaining why they think the way they do.
1. Human

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Not even this computer.

Author's Note: This is a series of small monologues for each pilot that I did several years ago and decided to condense into one piece of writing with one chapter for each pilot. After re-writing many parts, I do hope that this work is as satisfying for you as it is for me, and it would be much appreciated if those of you who read it would be kind enough to review. This first one is Heero's. Enjoy.

Human

I am human.

How does everyone seem to miss that? I bleed, I feel pain, I have thoughts.

No one understands.

People call me the perfect soldier. I know I'm not, that I never could be. A perfect soldier would be a robot.

I am not a robot.

I am human.

I bleed human blood.

I was trained for war. Just because it's all I know how to do doesn't necessarily mean that I am somehow inhuman.

Everybody tries to hide emotion at some point. Like when they love someone who doesn't love them, when they are shunned because they are not as wealthy or skilled as another. Or when they have to kill someone because they depend on it. Because it's their job.

It's not wrong to hide emotions. It's wrong to cut them off. Everyone needs an emotion to live by, to live for, to live against.

Maybe I just don't like showing my emotions because they are judged as a weakness.

So how can you say that I'm a heartless beast for trying to give myself the advantage over the enemy and trying to stay alive just one more day, just because I'm not visibly saddened by what I do?

Sometimes I think about the people I have killed. I feel a deep sorrow, but it is never something that is big enough to get worked up over.

I know that it's wrong, but war is wrong too. So is not defending yourself for fear of hurting the attacker.

Because I'm not affected directly, or even _in_directly by the deaths I cause, I can't feel anything for it. I destroy mobile suits without actually contemplating the fact that people are inside, dying.

Maybe I've just been fighting too many mobile dolls.

The mobile dolls are robots. They are not scorned for having no emotions. Yet they kill mercilessly, the most perfect soldiers that man has created so far.

They are the ultimate soldiers in the fact that they are robots.

But I...I am a different type of soldier.

I am not a robot.

Robots don't bleed.


	2. Mask

Disclaimer: I. Own. Nothing. SOB!

Author's Note: Another rewrite. This one's from Duo's POV. This was my personal favorite to write. Reviews welcome.

Mask

People ask me all the time what I'm hiding. They ask me why I even_ try_ to hide my true feelings. After all, they say they can see through me, see that I'm in pain and agony, see that I'm internally grieving for those that I've killed.

They want to know; is it because I'm afraid of what people would say, if they knew just how morbid my inner thoughts are? Or am I just too scared about what I've done to even let it out and talk about it?

How do I see myself? As Duo, the happy teenager, renowned for his appetite and blowing up shit all over the universe. I have absolutely nothing to hide, and that's the truth, death's honor. But for some reason, everyone wants to dig deeper into "the _real_ Duo Maxwell." Ha.

None have returned alive.

All of this is just some idiot's fascination with me being carried one step too far.

Because I'm so different than the other pilots, people have come to the conclusion that I must be either insane or just really happy. People tend to go for insane. I'm not really sure why, but I figure that maybe they just like working with me as if I'm a challenge.

Shinigami? So many theories out there about that one. There's one about how I think that I kill everyone I get close to. There's also the people that believe that I'm just getting in touch with my morbid side. Then there's the theory about how I think that I may as well be the God of Death himself.

They're all wrong.

That's right, wrong.

I don't try to hide anything from myself, and I don't need to get in touch with my morbid side, thank you very much. Everyone thinks of me as the happy kid with the deep dark secret.

Why?

Maybe the people like that get bored. Maybe they want to create a scenario where I can be the "damsel in distress" and they can rush to my rescue. Oh, yes, that's me, the psychotic pilot with a secret.

Or maybe it's just because they think I can kill people and have a full night's rest afterward, without the nightmares. Unlike the people that have just lost family members to my wrath.

I have the nightmares, but never anything I can't handle. And I leaned a long time ago that I can only blame myself for so much. After a while, I have to start letting my guilt and self pity go. That's no way to live. Besides, I have to kill to survive. I have no room left in me for pity.

I don't think I'll ever understand exactly why people think that I'm so deeply troubled. After all, I act like a normal kid. Sure, there are people out there who kill people all the time, like Treize. He kept track of exactly how many people died as a result of his actions, and he knew their names. By heart. I have nothing but respect for that. That was his way of dealing with this kind of life.

And I have mine.

I'm not a cutter, I'm not depressed, I don't have suicidal tendencies, and I don't need to be saved. So let's everyone just leave me alone.

People refer to my demeanor as a mask of happiness. Well, let me tell all you people out there that I haven't got any mask at all. I'm just naturally cheerful. Why? Because it's the only way I can live this life without turning into Spandex-Boy. Furthermore, Shinigami doesn't represent my supposed inner turmoil; I just like the sound of the word rolling off my tongue. I like what it means. I don't really think that I _am_ Shinigami. That would be cocky, even for me. It's just a nickname, and if I can get power over the enemy out of it, so be it.

I have nothing to hide. I'm just a happy camper, enjoying what I do. Me, go to hell? Probably. Do I care? Nope. Hey, I'm looking forward to asking Treize how in the world he remembered all those names.

And you know what? I think I'll be enjoying life a lot more than he ever did.


	3. Fly on the Wall

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing. Or Trowa's miraculous silence. I just listen to it.

Author's Note: Trowa's take on life, re-written. Enjoy.

Fly on the Wall

I am not too quiet.

Never can be too quiet.

Quiet is a beauty in itself. Just watching things happen, expressions change, people interact. Who needs sound?

People refer to me as The Silent One.

Words can say a lot, but there's also the old saying that a picture is worth a thousand words. I'll admit, I'm not the best conversationalist in the world, because I only speak when I need to. Maybe if we only spoke when we needed to, the human race would be wiser.

A lot can be learned by being a fly on the wall.

Wise men listen rather than talk. They have more questions than answers. They do not feel the need to be heard and to share all of their secrets with every person they encounter. They simply observe and grow wiser with time.

Many people do not understand this, and these same people have not yet come to realize that they miss out on many important things because of the mere fact that they are not listening; they are too busy talking and they end up missing out on many things. The little, important things.

It's interesting how many different perspectives you can view something from if you just listen. Because you aren't an active participant in a conversation, you are not obligated to take sides right away; you are unbiased. That in itself lets you look at a single subject from several points of view. To do otherwise would be ignorant.

Ignorance may be bliss, but it is also deadly.

I listen all I can, whether it be for the good of the mission or or the benefit of my own knowledge. I see no need to speak frequently.

Silence is not only golden; it is priceless.


	4. Deadly Innocence

Legal Stuff: I don't own it. Life sucks.

Author's Note: This is Quatre's piece, re-written. Hope it's up to standard. Reviews would be much appreciated.

Deadly Innocence 

People like to say that I'm the innocent one of the bunch. I'm the one that puts the roses on the enemy's grave.

Wrong.

They wonder why I was chosen to become a Gundam pilot. I mean, after all, I'm so "innocent, cute and loveable." So what, just because I'm a nice person I can't possibly have a morbid side?

Man, there are some screwed up fan girls out there.

Kindness is part of my nature, sure, but I can hurt people too. Just because I'm not necessarily as morbid as Duo, for instance, doesn't mean that I'm incapable of defending myself or others, or even offending. I can kill just as easily as anyone else, and it's wrong. It's always wrong. Just because I'm sorry I have to do it doesn't make me any weaker.

Haven't any of you out there that think like that ever thought that maybe killing _is_ wrong? That maybe it's only right to apologize for taking away someone's life? I mean, come on, you have to be pretty sick if you go out and kill people and go, yep, another day's work done there. No way. Anyone who can do that isn't human.

You may be thinking that the other four can do it, but they can't. They just don't show their remorse like I do. I know that they mourn over those they've killed once they're alone, away from the rest of the world. But me, I can't wait that long. Why not tell them you're sorry before you kill them, so they can actually hear the apology? Why not give them that?

And then there's the thing where people judge me on my looks rather than get to know me beforehand. They say that I look innocent, so therefore there's no way that I could cause any trouble. I've been labelled as so many things...a pansy, a pussy, a crybaby. I've been put down for showing my emotions.

They are so wrong.

I can be just as sarcastic as Duo, as deadly as Heero, as dignified as Wufei and as observant as Trowa. I just don't necessarily show it like they do, and this gives me the added element of surprise.

After all, who would suspect the cute blonde that just walked in to be a deadly murderer with a knife up his sleeve?


	5. Unjustifiable Assumptions

Disclaimer: I don't own Wufei. I'm just holding him ransom.

Author's Note: This is originally an idea that Kasumi wanted to see brought to life, the final pilot monologue and perhaps the most difficult one to write. Who knew that Wufei was such a complicated guy? Here it is, in all it's glory, re-written for the benefit of all of you wonderful readers out there. Let me know what you think.

Unjustifiable Assumptions

Man, am I really that uptight?

I don't think so.

The whole injustice thing is getting old. It's like just another personal slam that's shoved down my throat. Come on, people, even _I _can come up with a better catch phrase. Give me some credit, for fuck's sake.

Justice is a good thing, don't get me wrong, but I seriously don't think that I rant on about it that much. Maybe people just like to over dramatize the fact that yes, I've said it a few times, because they think it makes all of their fics that much more interesting.

Nuh-uh. I'm not buying.

First of all, "injustice" is a corny saying in itself. I don't really think that it's the best choice of words if you're trying to prove a point, as most of the time it sounds really immature. Now, I think there are people out there that will admit that I have proven things efficiently time and time again. So basically, for all you screwballs out there that think I'm too uptight about justice; get a life. I have more than just that word in my vocabulary.

Next point; the swearing thing. Okay, don't necessarily just assume that because I am _supposedly_ into justice and honor that I cannot swear. I've done it before, and I'll do it again. I'm not proud of it; I'm just saying that no, I am not as perfect as some people assume. Nor do I think I can be that perfect.

I do not think I am the best thing to happen to the universe since the creation of mankind. I _do _swallow my pride, regardless of how some of you nutsos portray me. I don't think that I'm better, or faster, or smarter or _whatever_ than anyone else out there. I'm just trying to make a living, here, and whether you think I base my decisions on my "big-headedness" or not is really your own opinion. I'm just telling it like it is.

The whole "weak onna" thing is, I must admit, finally getting on my nerves. Do you really find me so ignorant? I was a scholar, you know, and as a scholar, I know the many benefits of the existence of women on this planet and I know that they have an equal place to males in our society. At first, my ideas were, I admit, very different, but even I, the "stubborn, pig-headed China-man" was able to change my own mind and put aside my own ego in order to learn. Women are important in the world, and are as capable as any man – or Gundam pilot. This is something that has been proven to me time and time again, and I would be a fool to ignore this fact.

Speaking of which, how about the sex thing? Why is it that every time someone mentions anything about sex, I'm supposed to develop a nosebleed? Someone please tell me, because I don't understand. Do none of you remember the fact that I was married at one point in time? I do realize that sex is among the most common of activities performed by mankind today. How can I be afraid of a function that my own body is designed to perform naturally and not be afraid of Shenlong and my own natural will to fight? Sex is an urge I have, as is fighting. Neither of these should be ignored, which is why Shenlong has his own special compartment for porn magazines.

Ha. Just kidding.

So next time, one of you freaks out there has an opinion about how I act, or what I say, or what I read, just remember that I'm not necessarily what you've cracked me up to be. I could be very different from that person that you try to examine or write off as a jerk.

I am myself.

I am my own judge, a potty-mouth, a humble man, a scholar, a fighter, and, on occasion, a lover.

I am Wufei

And I am not to be judged.


End file.
